Friday came.
I couldn't describe my mood any longer. The intense pain I had felt for the first days was gone. And I was left with nothing.
I had always been good in pushing feelings away. And so I had managed to push everything I felt for Jimin away. Far far away into a deep and hidden place inside of my heart.
Of course he hadn't reached out to me.
By day two I thought it was ridiculous to wait for his text. So I took things into my own hands, literally, and texted him.
No response. Not even the tiny yellow 1 next to my message disappeared in kakaotalk. I was ghosted. He actually ghosted me... For reasons I didn't know.
Oh, about that photo of me and Jimin...I didn't see it. I wasn't much of a news reader, social media whatever kind of person. Plus, Bighit came up with some lame excuse and some distraction to quiet down the incident and got the picture removed. If I knew about it, I would've been more worried about the effects that Jimin had to deal with than my own. I know he said he was on a break but that didn‘t mean that a dating scandal couldn‘t effect his career. Maybe it was best to stay away from him after all - for his sake. Anyways, my point is, it hadn't been that photo why Jimin ignored me, if that is what you were thinking...
Let's move on to the story though. I'm drowing in self-pity right now...
I was on the subway, coming home from some errands, when I overheard some girls talking about some TV show with BTS. Of course my heart skipped a beat as soon as I heard them speak Jimin's name.
With the next station, the girls were gone and so was my source to know more about where Jimin was.
Shakingly, I typed into naver search ‚BTS TV show' and I immediately found what I was looking for.
There were a bunch of articles about BTS appearing on a cooking show that they were currently filming in Busan. No wonder Jimin felt so far away. He actually had been far away. Kidding... No really, though, I didn't know what to think of that. It explained why I had been ghosted. But...just because he was busy shooting a show, he could answer me, right?! He wouldn‘t be busy every single minute. But what did I know about being famous and all?!
I did something, I've never done before. I went into stalking mode and searched for Jimin's social media. I felt like a stupid teenager. I eyed around, but nobody payed attention to me. Of course, why would they...*face palm*
Something hit me hard. Hit my heart hard, I mean. Nothing hit my physically. I saw Jimin with a girl. It was a photo posted by Bighit. So they didn't mind him being with her. They didn't mind all the fans going crazy in the comments, some being mean, some being supportive of what they called Jina. Kang Mina. I clenched my teeth. I went to her profile, looking at a perfectly arranged feed. Yea, I was nothing compared to her. She was flawless. Duh, she was a celebrity after all and one of the hosts of the show.
Okay, well. Let's get the facts together. Jimin was currently in Busan. He was filming a show with gorgeous Kang Mina around like 24/7. He wasn't responding to my text, nor did he call me or anything like that. I snapped. I balled my hands into fists and the anger rose in me. It was anger that I didn't know I was able to feel. I felt like an idiot. How, for even a second, could I've believed that the crap Jimin had pulled was meant to be true.
„Give him a chance, my ass.", I said unintentionally loud, earning some strange looks by the other people on the subway.
I took a deep breath, an attempt to calm my anger.
A blind person could tell that I wasn't fine. But I was pretending. And I thought I actually did a good job. That was until Kyungmin looked at me with his brown puppy eyes. Yea, he saw right through me. He always did. Who did I try to fool...?!
„I'm watching you for days now.", he said, while I was leaning at the counter in the convenience store.
„So?", I asked.
He sighed: „Until when will you be in this horrible mood? You used to be so cheery."
„Me? Cheery?", I wasn't sure he was talking about me. Cheery wasn't a word I would use to describe myself.
„I think we should go out tonight.", Kyungmin said.
I frowned. Partying seemed to be his solution for absolutely everything.
„You know, alcohol doesn't drown your sorrows.", I said.
„I know.", he replied. „But it can make you forget for a while. I want to see you smile tonight.", he added and stroke over my head. „You are way too pretty to be upset about some loser guy." (sorry not sorry - don‘t forget we are mad at Jimin right now)
Although his words tried to make me feel better, it didn't work. I guess a bunch of girls would have hearts in their eyes when Kyungmin complimented them. But I knew he was only being nice - or at least that's how I used to interpret him.
Kyungmin and I went to a samgyupsal place in Ilsan near la Festa. It had been my favorite BBQ place ever since I had moved there.
It was expensive though. So we only went on special occasions. And today apparently was a special occasion.
I have to admit, it felt hella good to have the juicy and salty pork belly melt inside my mouth. There was nothing better than great food to cure a broken heart.
Or maybe there was. But kids believe me, alcohol seems like a great option to forget the moment, but you should always drink responsibly. With that being said, I just want to put out a warning that my following behavior isn't something you should aim for.
While eating I only had a few drinks with Kyungmin. It was soothing - being with him. Being with someone who cared about me and who I could trust.
„Do you remember the first time we met?", Kyungmin asked.
I nodded in an instant. How could I forget. „Ah, it was so embarrassing.", I said and buried my face in my hands.
Kyungmin chuckled. „I still find it quite cute."
„What was cute about it? Me stuttering or me spilling my coffee all over the floor?", I laughed.
„A little bit of both. Just the cleaning part, I hated that.", he said and downed another soju shot. I poured him one more glass.
„I wish I hadn't spilled that coffee, really.", I said.
„So the stuttering part is okay?", he giggled. He smiled at me and revealed his perfect set of white teeth.
„Even if I went back in time, I c0uldn't prevent myself from stuttering, considering the sight of you.", I said straight out. Yes, that's how we met. I went into the convenience store, saw Kyungmin, drop dead gorgeous Kyungmin, dropped my coffee, which spilled all over the floor and stuttered some weird excuse. But of course he was used to such reactions. Luckily I wasn't the only girl who had this type of first meeting with him - less embarrassing for me. Although I was the only girl that stuck around him.
Like I said before, I quite early, pushed my feelings aside - more like, never allowed myself to have actual feelings for him. That's how our friendship had survived. I just wasn't into him and I felt like he appreciated that - having a girl around that didn't treat him like a god or only cared for his looks, you know?!
Anyways, after I said what I said, Kyungmin wiggled his eyebrows.
„I kinda miss it though.", he said.
I would've blushed under normal cirumstances. But I knew that flirty, a little tipsy Kyungmin.
„Why miss it?", I asked.
Kyungmin looked at me, hesitantly. But it was a look that told stories. Stories, I didn't know of. He didn't reply, just quietly looked at me.
„The meat is gonna burn.", I said and pointed on the last few pieces in front of us.
Quickly Kyungmin rescued the pork belly and put some inside my empty rice bowl.
We finished our meal but the evening was still young and Kyungmin had great plans to cheer me up. And actually I was happy he did. I had enough of being a wet towel all week. It was time to leave it behind me - for real this time. He wasn't worth it anyways.
I was smiling, laughing, sweating. The loud music pulsated inside my veins, the alcohol did it's best to keep me in a good mood.
I could feel it in every pore of my body - freedom. I was carefree, for a moment at least. And I wanted to enjoy it.
The bass hit harder, the ground underneath my feet vibrated and sent wonderful shivers through my body. My hair was wet and stuck on my neck. But I didn't care. I just didn't care about anything anymore. I lived this moment.
Kyungmin was laughing, too. He was dancing next to me, like there was no tomorrow. He took my hands and spun me around. I felt the jealous glances of the other girls. They probably thought ‚what does he see in HER', and for the first time I really enjoyed that jealousy. For the first time I wanted to claim Kyungmin for myself. I didn't want to feel like I was holding him back. I was here with him, having fun with him. I deserved to be with him. I was his friend after all.
After something that felt like a never ending song and a never ending dance, I found myself outside of the club. I was only wearing a top and the coldness of the night lay down on my hot body. But I couldn't feel how cold it was. I breathed in the fresh October air. I loved October. I loved autumn.
And I loved this moment.
Kyungmin brought me another bottle of soju - strawberry of course. We sat down on some stairs and opened our bottles. Maybe I already had enough to drink. But I didn't want this feeling to end just yet. I wanted to enjoy the spinning a little more.
Some interested looks stroke us as we sat there living the night recklessly.
„Do you want to talk about Hansol? Eh, Jimin?", Kyungmin asked. I knew he was deadly curious.
I looked at him and instead of answering, I drank from my soju bottle.
„What do I get for telling you?", I asked and looked at him with dizzy eyes.
„What do you want?", he said and smiled at me flirtatiously.
And then I knew exactly what I wanted. NO, not what you are thinking right now.....
„I want to know who you like.", I said with a devilish grin on my face.
I could see I hit him off guard.
„How do you know...?", he asked but he sighed then, knowing it could've only been Chanmi.
„I can't believe you hid something so important from me.", I said and crossed my arms over my chest, pretending to be mad.
He only looked at me. He didn't take my joke well...oh whatever.
„So?", I asked.
„Okay.", he said with a straight face. „I will tell you who I like after you told me the entire story."
I looked away for a while. Was I ready to open that jar? Another sip of soju gave me courage.
„But you wouldn't believe me if I told you.", I said.
„Try me.", Kyungmin replied and turned to face me.
„So I went to Dunkin Donuts to meet with Jimin, right?!", I started.
Kyungmin nodded, the expectation clearly showing in his eyes.
„Turns out, Jimin was actually Park Jimin, you know that guy from BTS.", I said.
He bursted out laughing. I think I'd never seen him laughing to hard. But he soon realized, I wasn't laughing with him.
„You really aren't kidding?", he asked still in disbelief.
I shook my head.
„No way.", he said. He still didn't quite believe me.
„I told you, you wouldn't believe me.", I said.
„Yea, but that's like the weirdest story I've ever heard.", he said and drank more soju.
„We talked for a while and...", I remembered how it felt to walk alongside him. How I didn't want that night to end, how I enjoyed our talk. „...we eventually went to his place. Because we wanted to watch some movies."
I paused for a moment. The memories hurt a little. Even the massive amount of soju in my system couldn't conceal that.
Kyungmin squinted at me.
„I just...", I said, my voice already cracking. „I just don't know what happened."
Kyungmin scooted closer and put his arm around me, comforting me.
„No, actually I do know.", I corrected myself. „You know, he was so sweet that night. I really wanted to believe that I could also be lucky for once."
Kyungmin now slowly stroke over my back, quietly listenting to what I had to say.
I needed to talk everything off of my chest. „He asked me to give him a chance. And...I believed him. I wanted to. I really just wanted to. Why did I let myself believe that?"
„Because you have a pure heart.", Kyungmin answered.
„I hate it.", I yelled.
A moment of silence arose until I continued talking: „He even took me to work the next morning. And then he just disappeared. I saw online that he went to Busan for some show and I saw a picture with that stupid Kang Mina and he is smiling and she is smiling...", tears started to form inside my eyes.
„He's just an asshole, Soo. You deserve much better."
„When is that ‚better' ever going to come?", I asked. „My life is a misery. Nothing is ever working out for me.“
Kyungmin stayed silent.
„You probably think I'm stupid too. How could someone like me be with someone like him."
„That's not at all what I'm thinking.", he said.
I took a new bottle of soju, opened it and downed some more of it. I didn't want to feel miserable all over again. Not because of him. Not because of anything.
„Hey, slow down.", Kyungmin said and tried to stop me from emptying half of the bottle at once.
I angrily stared at the ground in front of me. As if that would do any good.
„Can we stop talking about it now?", I wanted to know.
Kyungmin nodded. „Don't think about it too much. Your time will come too. I‘m pretty sure of it. I believe that we all have something great ahead of us and even though we might struggle along the way, it will all be worth it in the end.“
What a great speech that was.
„What do you think about some karaoke?", he smiled and finally changed the topic.
And so we went to sing our hearts out.
I wasn't a great singer. But I enjoyed singing. Especially songs from the 90s.
The night conintued with laughter and me feeling like I was newly born. I, once again, danced my bad feelings away.
Kyungmin and I sang a duet, where he took over the rap part, while I tried some high notes. We failed massively, which resulted in laughing so hard, we handed up laying on the floor.
„I can't breathe.", I laughed.
We were completely out of breath and as the song ended, the silence crashed down on me. I heard my heavy breathing.
„I want every night to be like this.", I said, still out of breath.
„I can arrange that.", Kyungmin replied also hungrily soaking in the oxygen.
And I wished he could.
„You didn't tell me who you like yet.", I suddenly said, as it came into my mind.
Kyungmin didn't reply. I turned to look at him laying on the cold floor. His hair was messy and his eyes looked tired.
„Everything is spinning.", he said.
„I know.", I answered.
I carefully got up and drank some coke. I knew I shouldn't be drinking any more alcohol by now. I let myself down on the bench. It was already 4 a.m. but I didn't want to go home yet. I never wanted to go home again. I never wanted to return to the real world.
That's the down turn of drinking the night away - there was an end. There was this moment where everything you tried to drown would come back and hit you even harder than before. And I wasn't ready for that. I wasn't ready to face my disappointment yet. I still didn't know what to make out of all of this. I knew I probably should just throw my past away - not even keep it as a great memory. No, I should erase it. I should erase my night with Jimin from my memory like it never happened. It was the only thing that made sense. It would be the only thing that could make my day bearable. Jimin and I - it was a dream. It had been a dream. And nothing more. I just had to start to believe that nothing of that was actually real and I would be okay.
„You know what?!", I heard myself saying.
Kyungming rose from his not so comfortable spot on the ground and sat down next to me.
„I'm gonna block him.", I stated.
I was determined. Sure, he didn't text me whatsoever, so what was the point in blocking him. But I had to do it. For my ego or something like that. For my pride? I wouldn't be waiting for his reply anymore. I didn't care anymore. I didn't want to hear any lame excuse, I didn't want an explanation anymore. I didn't need anything from him. I DIDN'T NEED HIM. Convincing, right? Hell, I was convincing. I bought it, at least.
I took my phone out with a heavy heart. But my determination was thriving. And with a few klicks I blocked his contact.
„That's it.", I said, somewhat proud of myself.
The next moment a familiar song creeped in from the next room.
„Oh, you got to be kidding me.", I said in another rage. Of course some punks were singing some BTS song.
Kyungmin was quick to put on a new song that would damp the BTS song that made memories with Jimin become vivid again. Would this happen now every time I would listen to a BTS song? Not that I had any in playlist...
„Soo, are you fine?", Kyungmin asked.
„Sure.", I lied. But I wanted it to be true.
„I still have to fulfill my part of the arrangement.", he stated.
I looked at him.
„You want to know who I like, right?!"
„Mhm.", I replied.
His eyes sparkled at me. „It's a little embarrassing to tell you, though."
„Why?", I asked.
A coy smile danced over his lips. „I thought you would know by now."
He confused me. „How am I supposed to know?"
Yea, I was clueless. How stupid of me. But then again...
„Do I know her?", I asked.
Kyungmin's smile became brighter.
I didn't know what it was. But in this very moment I suddenly saw him as a man. Not that he didn't look like a male. No, I mean, for the first time in a long time, I felt attracted to him. I let my hungry gaze flow over his body. His perfect, broad shoulders, his defined arms. I gulped. What was wrong with me?
I looked back into his brown eyes that had fixated me all along, observing me closely.
I wanted to shake that feeling away. Now really wasn't the right time. He was just about to confess that he liked some girl.
„What are you thinking?", he asked me.
Oh, he didn't want to know, or did he...
Kyungmin earned a sudden confidence from my look and he scooted closer so that he was right next to me.
„What do you think of me?", he whispered next to my ear. I could smell his cologne. A familar and warm scent that smelled like home. I closed my eyes for a while and enjoyed the warmth that radiated from his body.
„I want to know Soo Young. What do you think of me? What am I to you?"
Why did he ask those questions. Usually it was easy to answer for me. But right now, I didn't know myself. I didn't know where this was coming from, the sudden urge to feel his body pressed against mine. Oh god, what was I thinking....Soo Young, stop it already.
Maybe it was the deep pain of rejection that suddenly made me hungry for a guy’s attention. Maybe it was the feeling of having lost someone that made me want to fill the whole Jimin had left.
Kyungmin stared at me, still waiting for an answer that I couldn't give him.
He then leaned in. His cheeks were red from all the alcohol we had tonight.
I looked at his beautiful face, his doll like skin, his sharp jawline. His dizzy eyes gazed back into mine, longing for me.
His hand reached out to cup my face, carefully, as if I was made out of glass. It was gentle touch that was so unexpected it made me flinch.
Kyungmin bit his lower lip as his eyes dropped down to my mouth.
Our faces were now only inches apart and I felt his breath that was drenched in the scent of soju.
...
(don‘t worry Jimin will be back in the next chapters ;))
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