i-Love - My Online Crush - Chapter 10

It was the third time that Jimin went through his suitcase. He threw a shirt madly on the bed and run his fingers through his freshly bleached hair with a sigh.

„What's wrong?", Jungkook asked while staring at his phone screen without looking up at Jimin.

„I can't find my phone anywhere.", Jimin said and looked around even though he knew it was pointless.

„Your phone is right there.", Jungkook said and pointed on something that appeared to be a phone that belonged to Jimin.

„Not this one. The other one.", he said as if Jungkook should've known. 

„Oh.", he now looked up for the first time and started to understand what concerned Jimin.

„Guys, Sejin is waiting. We are going out to eat with the staff.", Taehyung popped into Jimin's room.

Jungkook and Jimin looked at him blankly.

„What's going on in here?", Taehyung asked.

„I can't find the phone.", Jimin told him. 

Taehyung was a lot quicker than Jungkook. He slipped inside the room, closing the door behind him firmly. „Did you look everywhere?"

„Of course.", Jimin said. „I looked through my suitcase."

„More than once.", Jungkook added.

„More than once.", Jimin confirmed. „And I searched the entire room."

„Did you check the car?", Taehyung suggested.

„I don't think it's there.", Jimin sighed. „I actually can't remeber when I saw it the last time.", he said and sat down on the bed. 

„Try to remember.", Jungkook advised.

„We were in such a hurry with packing and all that I didn't even think about it anymore to be honest."

Taehyung shook his head. „Well that's bad."

„Don't be so negative.", Jungkook said.

„I'm pretty sure I left the phone at home somewhere. Which means, I don't have any way of contacting Soo Young. I don't know her number or her ID."

„You can always message her in the café though.", Jungkook said.

„That's true.", Taehyung said excitedely. For once Jungkook had a smart idea.

„See, I told you don't be so negative.", Jungkook smiled.

„What's taking you so long?", Sejin bursted into the room. He looked at the three guys who immediately got quiet. „What are you planning?", he asked them and squinted his eyes.

„Nothing.", Jungkook said, let his phone glide into his pocket and put his jacket on. „Are you guys ready?", he asked as if nothing had ever happened. And with that they left for dinner.

Kyungmin leaned in. His cheeks were red from all the alcohol we had tonight.

Our faces were only inches apart and I felt his breath that was drenched in the scent of soju.

Suddenly he closed the gap that was left between us. Our lips collided. I closed my eyes reflexively. A warm wave of comfort overtook my body. 

Only a second later I realized what I was doing. I pushed Kyungmin away immediately.

I looked at him in shock. That was my first kiss. Did he really just steal my first kiss?

I wasn't sure what to say or what to do. We just looked at each other. Jimin briefly found his way into my head. I wished my first kiss had been him. But it was too late for that now. 

Kyungmin backed off a little and I could see in his eyes he was unsure how to react. What had just happened?

I tried to gather my thoughts and tried to fight the urge to kiss him again. But why would I fight? From now on our friendship would be different. It could never be the same. He had kissed me. Why on earth did he kiss me, I thought. Did he drink so much? 

Don't overthink, don't overthink, I told myself. 

„I...", Kyungmin started off a sentence. But he got interrupted by me. I didn't want to resist him any longer. I kissed him and waited for him to kiss me back. For a second I was worried he didn't want this. But then I felt his hands on my body, pulling me closer and his kiss got deeper and more passionate.

I was drowning in his kisses. Never had I imagined I would kiss Kyungmin. Never. And I still wasn't sure why I was doing it. Or what this would mean for us - for our friendship. I forced myself to not think, to just give myself to him in this very moment. I wanted to melt in his arms, feel wanted and feel loved.

I explored Kyungmin's body, carefully. I didn't have much experience, none to be exact, I didn't know how to do this. And I didn't know where this was going. 

After a while of kissing him, my brain slowly started to function again. And suddenly I was questioning whether this was what I really wanted. 

We got interrupted by a staff of the karaoke bar, who told us that our time was up.

Kyungmin and I rushed away from each other, clearly being embarrassed of being caught in a moment like that. 

We didn't talk on our way home. It was awkward. Was it worth it? I don't know. Would I kiss him again? Definetely. Should I kiss him again? Probably not.

Basically Kyungmin and I never talked about that kiss.

I was too shy to ask him about it. Plus we both had been so drunk, I was scared he had just kissed me because he wasn't thinking clearly that moment. Maybe we had both just needed someone for a moment. Maybe we wanted to feel close to someone. I don't even know.

It's not like I didn't like Kyungmin. Don't get me wrong. I already told you, he was gorgeous, he was nice, cute. Yea, he was pretty much perfect. And even though I felt attracted to him ever since that night, I didn't quite catch any feelings for him. I couldn't explain what it was. Probably someone called Jimin creeping around in my head. 

Of course I couldn't forget about him.

I missed him. A lot. Stupid, as we only met one time. But that one time had such an impact on me, that I just couldn't forget about it. I tried hard, believe me. But nothing worked.

I even found myself listening to BTS songs just to be able to hear his voice. I closed my eyes when he sang and imagined he was right next to me. I was a lunatic, I admit it. 

It was especially bad when his birthday came. Yes, I remebered his birthday and I was wondering what was he doing. But I kept his contact blocked. I didn't allow myself to be weak. If he didn't want to be with me, then there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. I gave up on him but I didn't give up on the fact that I couldn't lie to myself. I could tell myself as much as I wanted that I was over him. But deep inside myself, I knew that wasn't true. I had fallen for him in one night. Fallen hard. That wasn't something easily erased. Sadly. 

Halloween came. My favorite holiday. I loved the costumes, pumpkins, just everything about it.

Kyungmin and I went to a halloween party in Itaewon. We went there every year and this year was no exception. 

Things went pretty much back to normal between us. Not talking about the matter and simply ignoring it, worked out for us somehow. I had really thought it would be more weird seeing him and being with him. But luckily it wasn't. I didn't lose a friend. I was happy about that. I couldn't stand losing anybody else right now.

We were in the club dancing, I was dressed as a zombie version of Lara Croft. Kyungmin was a vampire. A really good-looking vampire indeed.

I felt how someone was approaching me, while I was dancing.

„Soo Young.", went a familiar voice. My heart started to race immediately. I was wondering if I was dreaming. I had to have imagined that voice. There was no way he was here.

I slowly turned around to see the guy behind me. 

He was wearing a prince costume. Not really Halloween like. But he looked as charming as ever. 

His hair had changed since the last time I saw him. The black locks he usually wore, were now dyed an ash blonde color that brought out his black eyes even more. He wore a golden mask, covering half of his face. But I still recognized him right away. There was no one like him. No one so beautful and stunning. He should've dressed as an angel, that would've fit him really well. 

Whatever made me do it - I don't even know - but I rushed forward and clasped my arms around him. 

„I wasn't sure you wanted to see me.", he giggled, seemlingly relieved by my reaction.

Oh right, I almost forgot. I was mad at him. But in this moment, I couldn't dare to let myself be mad. I couldn't ruin this one moment that god gave me - that moment with him.

It felt like there was no one else in the club. Only me and him. And time stood still.

Even though the music was pouncing some electro beats, we were dancing slowly. He was leading me, side to side, smiling at me with that smile I had missed so much. My heart couldn't stop racing and I couldn't keep myself under control. I felt like I was fainting. The stuffy air, the noise and the heat of his body made me dizzy. Oh, and the alcohol did it's rest.

I had to be in a dream. There was just no way possible, I was dancing with Jimin on Halloween in some club in Itaewon. Nothing made sense. And it didn't need to. What mattered was how relaxed and at ease I felt with him. How suddenly all the negativity from the last few weeks had disappeared.

We moved closer to each other, as close as we could get. I soaked up his beauty and wished he wouldn't wear that mask that was hiding his face. I reached out for his face, wanted to feel that doll like skin, smooth and warm underneath my fingers. 

Jimin's gaze got more intense as he stared directly at me, hypnotizing me with the blackness of his eyes. 

Our faces neared each other. I was ready for whatever was about to happen. I was ready to forgive him and I was ready to have my heart broken all over again.

A fist swooshed past my face and hit Jimin. He stumbled backwards, lost his balance and landed on the ground by the force that had hit him.

I gasped in disbelief and turned around only to see a fuming vampire Kyungmin, balling his fists, ready for a fight.

„What on earth are you doing?", I yelled against the music.

Kyungmin didn't look at me. He stared at Jimin on the ground, who was also watched by a bunch of other people in the club. This kind of attention wasn't good. Even though he was wearing a costume and a mask, people might've still be able to recognise him, just as I had been able to. 

„What are YOU doing, is the question.", Kyungmin yelled back and only now looked at me. I tried to stand between him and Jimin. There wasn't much I could do to protect Jimin, but I needed to try at least. Kyungmin still looked like he would jump at him any second.

Jimin got back up on his feet, confused about what had just happened.

„I was just dancing.", I defended myself now. I didn't understand what was going on, why Kyungmin had snapped. I've never seen him like this before.

„You were almost eating that guy up.", he raged and pointed at Jimin who stood behind me, his angelic face already starting to bruise.

„So what?", I asked madly. 

„You don't get it, do you?", Kyungmin just shook his head and left. 

„Kyungmin wait.", I yelled after him. I wanted an explanation. I needed to talk to him. I wanted to run after him but it was Jimin who held me back.

„Soo Young.", he said with his soothing voice. „Please don't go. I just found you.", he said sounding somewhat desperate.

I looked at him and suddenly Kyungmin was almost forgotten. Whatever had bitten him tonight, it could wait. I could always talk to him tomorrow.

„We should get you some ice.", I said, observing his left cheek.

Prince Jimin who matched his user name ‚PrinceofBusan' today more than ever and me left the Halloween party behind and I went to get some ice in a near convenient store.

We found a somewhat abanoned alley. Well as abanoned as an alley could get in the middle of Itaewon. But it seemed fine for now - fine for him to reveal his beautfil face to me.

He took the ice I bought for him and held it to his cheek.

„I'm so sorry about Kyungmin.", I said teeth-gnashingly. 

„He seems to be a little protective, huh.", Jimin chuckled. At least he could laugh in a situation like this. I wasn't sure I would be able to do so when someone had just hit me in the face.

„I don't know what has gotten into him.", I said.

„He probably likes you.", Jimin hit the nail on the head. „I would've done the same if I saw him snuggling up on you."

„No, you would'nt.", I said and slightly blushed.

But I couldn't just forgive him right now. After everything that happened. I needed some answers at least. He couldn't just show up out of nowhere and continue where he had left off.

„You look so beautiful tonight. Even more beautiful than I remember.", Jimin said smiling at me, the ice still in his face.

I blushed once again.

I could've returned that compliment in an instant. But I decided not to. For now.

„I guess we need to talk, hm?", I said.

Jimin sighed and looked to the ground. „I guess so.", he said with his melodic voice that was driving me crazy.

I wanted to throw my arms around him, cuddle up on his hard chest. But I forced myself to hold back. I needed to think clearly first.

„I mean, you just ghosted me.", I said bluntly. I needed to start this conversation from somewhere.

Jimin took a deep breath and stroke his blonde locks out of his eyes.

„I'm really sorry about everything.", he said. „I didn't mean to ghost you, I swear."

„Then why did you do it.", slight anger creeped into my voice.

„When I returned home that day after I dropped you off at work, our manager was there and well, let's say he wasn't amused about us."

„How did he know about us?"

„There was this picture..."

„A picture?", I interrupted him right away.

„A paparazzi or someone took a picture of us in front of my apartment building. You weren't recognizable though. Don't worry."

Yea, because that was what I would worry about...

I let him continue: „My management advised me not to talk to you anymore. They first wanted to clear my name in a way. They came up with some ridiculous story as of why I was with a girl. They said it was Kang Mina and that we were discussing details on the show."

„That's why they posted that picture of you two.", I said without realizing.

„You saw that?", he asked and looked a little uncomfortable.

I did not just admit that I had stalked him... I stayed quiet. I didn't want to make things worse.

„But that wasn't the reason for ghosting you.", he then quickly said.

„So you admit that you ghosted me?"

„No.", he shook his head which resulted in him hitting the ice against his bruise. He made a face as if he was in pain. „We left for Busan right away to film that show and I was planning on texting you or calling, despite what my manager told me. Really, I don't mind him being against this, being against us.", he shyly looked at the ground again and I was pretty sure now it was him who was blushing ever so slightly.

„But you didn't.", I stated.

„I know this will sound really stupid. And I hope you understand and don't take it the wrong way."

I was full of expectations of what he had to say.

„When I first talked to you, I got a second phone. I didn't give you my real number. I mean it was my real number in a way. It was my phone after all. But I didn't use my real phone to talk to you."

„Why?", I wanted to know as I didn't understand.

„Like I told you before, we sometimes get some crazy fans and I just couldn't give out my real contact to you."

„Because you were lying about your identity.", I spat.

He sighed. „Please don't hold this agaist me. I never intended to hurt you. I forgot my second phone at home when we left for Busan and I didn't have your contact information. So I couldn't call or text. But I messaged you on the internet café. You just never replied."

„You did?", I took my phone out and checked for messages. There actually was one. I didn't know why I never went on the café until now. Why I never saw that message. I felt stupid.

„When we returned back to Seoul, I messaged you immediately. But it appears you've blocked me already."

„Oh..., yea, I actually did block you."

„I added you on my main account, but I was too nervous to text. I didn't know where we stood. I thought maybe you didn't like me. Maybe you were already over me and didn't want anything to do with me."

Like that was likely to happen...

„You could've tried.", I said somewhat sad.

„I know.", he admitted. „I know it was stupid of me. I was thinking of ways to get to you. Like I could show up at your work place. But I didn't want to seem like some crazy obsessed stalker. I wanted us to meet naturally."

„How did you know I would be here tonight? Or was this a coincidence?"

„It wasn't.", he smiled. „I saw on your kakaotalk that you posted this party and that's why I went. I was so happy when I saw you. I really wanted to talk to you."

I could do nothing else but smile stupidly. 

„I really want to have a chance with you Soo Young. Please believe me."

„What about your manager?", I heard myself asking.

„Don't worry about him. I will handle that.", he said full of confidence.  „Will you give me a chance?", he asked. 

I looked him deeply in the eyes, searching for the truth that lay withtin them. I couldn't get enough of this view. He was stunning. 

He wore some eyeshadow that made his eyes seductive, his pouty lips were shiny like before and looked so delicious I was longing to kiss them, longing to taste him. I had to get a hold of myself. I couldn't behave like some animal and throw myself at him. Have some dignity, girl, I told myself.

„Is that really what you want?", I needed him to confirm.

„That's all I want. You know I always had everything. Fame, money. I'm living my dream every day. I shouldn't be selfish and ask for more. But you know what I never had? I never had anyone like you. Someone who is so genuine and easy to talk to.", he said.

I was baffled. How could he be so straight forward?!

„I think I already fell in love with you, Soo Young."

I felt how my face was burning hot even though it was quite cold outside. 

„Maybe it's too early to say. I've never experienced something like this before.", he admitted. „I don't know what this is, what those feelings are. I'm happy whenever I talk to you and I'm happy when I think of you. I missed our time together. It was only one night but it was meaningful to me. I feel like I can be myself when I'm with you."

I wasn't good with words. Really, I wasn't. I was somewhat speechless. What would be a good thing to say?

„I really like your blonde hair.", I heard myself say. Well, that definetely wasn't something good..

My words made him smile brightly. „Really? I was scared you might not like it.", he said.

I shook my head. I didn't think there was any hair color that would make him less attractive.

„It looks really beautiful.", I said. „You look really beautiful.", I added hesitantly. 

„It warms my heart when you compliment me.", he answered.

He carefully took my hand into his. Is that what it felt like? Warm and comfortable? I felt at ease just like the last time I was with him. He was so easy to forgive. He was so easy to love.

„Will you do me the honor and accompany me to my castle?", he said and bowed, matching his costume.

I blinked at him.

„I could also take you back to the party, if you'd like.", he added quickly. He looked uncertain about what he had suggested.

„I would love to be alone with you.", I said and smiled at him.

i-Love - My Online Crush - Chapter 9

Friday came. 

I couldn't describe my mood any longer. The intense pain I had felt for the first days was gone. And I was left with nothing.

I had always been good in pushing feelings away. And so I had managed to push everything I felt for Jimin away. Far far away into a deep and hidden place inside of my heart. 

Of course he hadn't reached out to me. 

By day two I thought it was ridiculous to wait for his text. So I took things into my own hands, literally, and texted him. 

No response. Not even the tiny yellow 1 next to my message disappeared in kakaotalk. I was ghosted. He actually ghosted me... For reasons I didn't know.

Oh, about that photo of me and Jimin...I didn't see it. I wasn't much of a news reader, social media whatever kind of person. Plus, Bighit came up with some lame excuse and some distraction to quiet down the incident and got the picture removed. If I knew about it, I would've been more worried about the effects that Jimin had to deal with than my own. I know he said he was on a break but that didn‘t mean that a dating scandal couldn‘t effect his career. Maybe it was best to stay away from him after all - for his sake. Anyways, my point is, it hadn't been that photo why Jimin ignored me, if that is what you were thinking...

Let's move on to the story though. I'm drowing in self-pity right now...

I was on the subway, coming home from some errands, when I overheard some girls talking about some TV show with BTS. Of course my heart skipped a beat as soon as I heard them speak Jimin's name. 

With the next station, the girls were gone and so was my source to know more about where Jimin was.

Shakingly, I typed into naver search ‚BTS TV show' and I immediately found what I was looking for.

There were a bunch of articles about BTS appearing on a cooking show that they were currently filming in Busan. No wonder Jimin felt so far away. He actually had been far away. Kidding... No really, though, I didn't know what to think of that. It explained why I had been ghosted. But...just because he was busy shooting a show, he could answer me, right?! He wouldn‘t be busy every single minute. But what did I know about being famous and all?!

I did something, I've never done before. I went into stalking mode and searched for Jimin's social media. I felt like a stupid teenager. I eyed around, but nobody payed attention to me. Of course, why would they...*face palm*

Something hit me hard. Hit my heart hard, I mean. Nothing hit my physically. I saw Jimin with a girl. It was a photo posted by Bighit. So they didn't mind him being with her. They didn't mind all the fans going crazy in the comments, some being mean, some being supportive of what they called Jina. Kang Mina. I clenched my teeth. I went to her profile, looking at a perfectly arranged feed. Yea, I was nothing compared to her. She was flawless. Duh, she was a celebrity after all and one of the hosts of the show. 

Okay, well. Let's get the facts together. Jimin was currently in Busan. He was filming a show with gorgeous Kang Mina around like 24/7. He wasn't responding to my text, nor did he call me or anything like that. I snapped. I balled my hands into fists and the anger rose in me. It was anger that I didn't know I was able to feel. I felt like an idiot. How, for even a second, could I've believed that the crap Jimin had pulled was meant to be true. 

„Give him a chance, my ass.", I said unintentionally loud, earning some strange looks by the other people on the subway.

I took a deep breath, an attempt to calm my anger. 

A blind person could tell that I wasn't fine. But I was pretending. And I thought I actually did a good job. That was until Kyungmin looked at me with his brown puppy eyes. Yea, he saw right through me. He always did. Who did I try to fool...?!

„I'm watching you for days now.", he said, while I was leaning at the counter in the convenience store. 

„So?", I asked.

He sighed: „Until when will you be in this horrible mood? You used to be so cheery."

„Me? Cheery?", I wasn't sure he was talking about me. Cheery wasn't a word I would use to describe myself.

„I think we should go out tonight.", Kyungmin said.

I frowned. Partying seemed to be his solution for absolutely everything.

„You know, alcohol doesn't drown your sorrows.", I said.

„I know.", he replied. „But it can make you forget for a while. I want to see you smile tonight.", he added and stroke over my head. „You are way too pretty to be upset about some loser guy." (sorry not sorry - don‘t forget we are mad at Jimin right now)

Although his words tried to make me feel better, it didn't work. I guess a bunch of girls would have hearts in their eyes when Kyungmin complimented them. But I knew he was only being nice - or at least that's how I used to interpret him.

Kyungmin and I went to a samgyupsal place in Ilsan near la Festa. It had been my favorite BBQ place ever since I had moved there.

It was expensive though. So we only went on special occasions. And today apparently was a special occasion.

I have to admit, it felt hella good to have the juicy and salty pork belly melt inside my mouth. There was nothing better than great food to cure a broken heart.

Or maybe there was. But kids believe me, alcohol seems like a great option to forget the moment, but you should always drink responsibly. With that being said, I just want to put out a warning that my following behavior isn't something you should aim for.

While eating I only had a few drinks with Kyungmin. It was soothing - being with him. Being with someone who cared about me and who I could trust.

„Do you remember the first time we met?", Kyungmin asked.

I nodded in an instant. How could I forget. „Ah, it was so embarrassing.", I said and buried my face in my hands.

Kyungmin chuckled. „I still find it quite cute."

„What was cute about it? Me stuttering or me spilling my coffee all over the floor?", I laughed. 

„A little bit of both. Just the cleaning part, I hated that.", he said and downed another soju shot. I poured him one more glass.

„I wish I hadn't spilled that coffee, really.", I said.

„So the stuttering part is okay?", he giggled. He smiled at me and revealed his perfect set of white teeth.

„Even if I went back in time, I c0uldn't prevent myself from stuttering, considering the sight of you.", I said straight out. Yes, that's how we met. I went into the convenience store, saw Kyungmin, drop dead gorgeous Kyungmin, dropped my coffee, which spilled all over the floor and stuttered some weird excuse. But of course he was used to such reactions. Luckily I wasn't the only girl who had this type of first meeting with him - less embarrassing for me. Although I was the only girl that stuck around him. 

Like I said before, I quite early, pushed my feelings aside - more like, never allowed myself to have actual feelings for him. That's how our friendship had survived. I just wasn't into him and I felt like he appreciated that - having a girl around that didn't treat him like a god or only cared for his looks, you know?!

Anyways, after I said what I said, Kyungmin wiggled his eyebrows. 

„I kinda miss it though.", he said. 

I would've blushed under normal cirumstances. But I knew that flirty, a little tipsy Kyungmin. 

„Why miss it?", I asked.

Kyungmin looked at me, hesitantly. But it was a look that told stories. Stories, I didn't know of. He didn't reply, just quietly looked at me. 

„The meat is gonna burn.", I said and pointed on the last few pieces in front of us. 

Quickly Kyungmin rescued the pork belly and put some inside my empty rice bowl.

We finished our meal but the evening was still young and Kyungmin had great plans to cheer me up. And actually I was happy he did. I had enough of being a wet towel all week. It was time to leave it behind me - for real this time. He wasn't worth it anyways.

I was smiling, laughing, sweating. The loud music pulsated inside my veins, the alcohol did it's best to keep me in a good mood. 

I could feel it in every pore of my body - freedom. I was carefree, for a moment at least. And I wanted to enjoy it. 

The bass hit harder, the ground underneath my feet vibrated and sent wonderful shivers through my body. My hair was wet and stuck on my neck. But I didn't care. I just didn't care about anything anymore. I lived this moment.

Kyungmin was laughing, too. He was dancing next to me, like there was no tomorrow. He took my hands and spun me around. I felt the jealous glances of the other girls. They probably thought ‚what does he see in HER', and for the first time I really enjoyed that jealousy. For the first time I wanted to claim Kyungmin for myself. I didn't want to feel like I was holding him back. I was here with him, having fun with him. I deserved to be with him. I was his friend after all.

After something that felt like a never ending song and a never ending dance, I found myself outside of the club. I was only wearing a top and the coldness of the night lay down on my hot body. But I couldn't feel how cold it was. I breathed in the fresh October air. I loved October. I loved autumn.

And I loved this moment.

Kyungmin brought me another bottle of soju - strawberry of course. We sat down on some stairs and opened our bottles. Maybe I already had enough to drink. But I didn't want this feeling to end just yet. I wanted to enjoy the spinning a little more.

Some interested looks stroke us as we sat there living the night recklessly. 

„Do you want to talk about Hansol? Eh, Jimin?", Kyungmin asked. I knew he was deadly curious.

I looked at him and instead of answering, I drank from my soju bottle.

„What do I get for telling you?", I asked and looked at him with dizzy eyes. 

„What do you want?", he said and smiled at me flirtatiously.

And then I knew exactly what I wanted. NO, not what you are thinking right now..... 

„I want to know who you like.", I said with a devilish grin on my face.

I could see I hit him off guard. 

„How do you know...?", he asked but he sighed then, knowing it could've only been Chanmi.

„I can't believe you hid something so important from me.", I said and crossed my arms over my chest, pretending to be mad.

He only looked at me. He didn't take my joke well...oh whatever.

„So?", I asked.

„Okay.", he said with a straight face. „I will tell you who I like after you told me the entire story."

I looked away for a while. Was I ready to open that jar? Another sip of soju gave me courage.

„But you wouldn't believe me if I told you.", I said.

„Try me.", Kyungmin replied and turned to face me. 

„So I went to Dunkin Donuts to meet with Jimin, right?!", I started.

Kyungmin nodded, the expectation clearly showing in his eyes.

„Turns out, Jimin was actually Park Jimin, you know that guy from BTS.", I said.

He bursted out laughing. I think I'd never seen him laughing to hard. But he soon realized, I wasn't laughing with him.

„You really aren't kidding?", he asked still in disbelief. 

I shook my head. 

„No way.", he said. He still didn't quite believe me.

„I told you, you wouldn't believe me.", I said.

„Yea, but that's like the weirdest story I've ever heard.", he said and drank more soju.

„We talked for a while and...", I remembered how it felt to walk alongside him. How I didn't want that night to end, how I enjoyed our talk. „...we eventually went to his place. Because we wanted to watch some movies."

I paused for a moment. The memories hurt a little. Even the massive amount of soju in my system couldn't conceal that.

Kyungmin squinted at me. 

„I just...", I said, my voice already cracking. „I just don't know what happened."

Kyungmin scooted closer and put his arm around me, comforting me.

„No, actually I do know.", I corrected myself. „You know, he was so sweet that night. I really wanted to believe that I could also be lucky for once."

Kyungmin now slowly stroke over my back, quietly listenting to what I had to say.

I needed to talk everything off of my chest. „He asked me to give him a chance. And...I believed him. I wanted to. I really just wanted to. Why did I let myself believe that?" 

„Because you have a pure heart.", Kyungmin answered.

„I hate it.", I yelled. 

A moment of silence arose until I continued talking: „He even took me to work the next morning. And then he just disappeared. I saw online that he went to Busan for some show and I saw a picture with that stupid Kang Mina and he is smiling and she is smiling...", tears started to form inside my eyes.

„He's just an asshole, Soo. You deserve much better."

„When is that ‚better' ever going to come?", I asked. „My life is a misery. Nothing is ever working out for me.“

Kyungmin stayed silent.

„You probably think I'm stupid too. How could someone like me be with someone like him."

„That's not at all what I'm thinking.", he said. 

I took a new bottle of soju, opened it and downed some more of it. I didn't want to feel miserable all over again. Not because of him. Not because of anything.

„Hey, slow down.", Kyungmin said and tried to stop me from emptying half of the bottle at once.

I angrily stared at the ground in front of me. As if that would do any good.

„Can we stop talking about it now?", I wanted to know.

Kyungmin nodded. „Don't think about it too much. Your time will come too. I‘m pretty sure of it. I believe that we all have something great ahead of us and even though we might struggle along the way, it will all be worth it in the end.“

What a great speech that was.

„What do you think about some karaoke?", he smiled and finally changed the topic.

And so we went to sing our hearts out. 

I wasn't a great singer. But I enjoyed singing. Especially songs from the 90s. 

The night conintued with laughter and me feeling like I was newly born. I, once again, danced my bad feelings away. 

Kyungmin and I sang a duet, where he took over the rap part, while I tried some high notes. We failed massively, which resulted in laughing so hard, we handed up laying on the floor.

„I can't breathe.", I laughed. 

We were completely out of breath and as the song ended, the silence crashed down on me. I heard my heavy breathing.

„I want every night to be like this.", I said, still out of breath.

„I can arrange that.", Kyungmin replied also hungrily soaking in the oxygen.

And I wished he could. 

„You didn't tell me who you like yet.", I suddenly said, as it came into my mind.

Kyungmin didn't reply. I turned to look at him laying on the cold floor. His hair was messy and his eyes looked tired.

„Everything is spinning.", he said. 

„I know.", I answered. 

I carefully got up and drank some coke. I knew I shouldn't be drinking any more alcohol by now. I let myself down on the bench. It was already 4 a.m. but I didn't want to go home yet. I never wanted to go home again. I never wanted to return to the real world. 

That's the down turn of drinking the night away - there was an end. There was this moment where everything you tried to drown would come back and hit you even harder than before. And I wasn't ready for that. I wasn't ready to face my disappointment yet. I still didn't know what to make out of all of this. I knew I probably should just throw my past away - not even keep it as a great memory. No, I should erase it. I should erase my night with Jimin from my memory like it never happened. It was the only thing that made sense. It would be the only thing that could make my day bearable. Jimin and I - it was a dream. It had been a dream. And nothing more. I just had to start to believe that nothing of that was actually real and I would be okay.

„You know what?!", I heard myself saying.

Kyungming rose from his not so comfortable spot on the ground and sat down next to me.

„I'm gonna block him.", I stated.

I was determined. Sure, he didn't text me whatsoever, so what was the point in blocking him. But I had to do it. For my ego or something like that. For my pride? I wouldn't be waiting for his reply anymore. I didn't care anymore. I didn't want to hear any lame excuse, I didn't want an explanation anymore. I didn't need anything from him. I DIDN'T NEED HIM. Convincing, right? Hell, I was convincing. I bought it, at least.

I took my phone out with a heavy heart. But my determination was thriving. And with a few klicks I blocked his contact. 

„That's it.", I said, somewhat proud of myself.

The next moment a familiar song creeped in from the next room.

„Oh, you got to be kidding me.", I said in another rage. Of course some punks were singing some BTS song.

Kyungmin was quick to put on a new song that would damp the BTS song that made memories with Jimin become vivid again. Would this happen now every time I would listen to a BTS song? Not that I had any in playlist...

„Soo, are you fine?", Kyungmin asked.

„Sure.", I lied. But I wanted it to be true. 

„I still have to fulfill my part of the arrangement.", he stated.

I looked at him.

„You want to know who I like, right?!"

„Mhm.", I replied.

His eyes sparkled at me. „It's a little embarrassing to tell you, though."

„Why?", I asked.

A coy smile danced over his lips. „I thought you would know by now."

He confused me. „How am I supposed to know?"

Yea, I was clueless. How stupid of me. But then again...

„Do I know her?", I asked.

Kyungmin's smile became brighter. 

I didn't know what it was. But in this very moment I suddenly saw him as a man. Not that he didn't look like a male. No, I mean, for the first time in a long time, I felt attracted to him. I let my hungry gaze flow over his body. His perfect, broad shoulders, his defined arms. I gulped. What was wrong with me?

I looked back into his brown eyes that had fixated me all along, observing me closely. 

I wanted to shake that feeling away. Now really wasn't the right time. He was just about to confess that he liked some girl. 

„What are you thinking?", he asked me.

Oh, he didn't want to know, or did he...

Kyungmin earned a sudden confidence from my look and he scooted closer so that he was right next to me.

„What do you think of me?", he whispered next to my ear. I could smell his cologne. A familar and warm scent that smelled like home. I closed my eyes for a while and enjoyed the warmth that radiated from his body.

„I want to know Soo Young. What do you think of me? What am I to you?"

Why did he ask those questions. Usually it was easy to answer for me. But right now, I didn't know myself. I didn't know where this was coming from, the sudden urge to feel his body pressed against mine. Oh god, what was I thinking....Soo Young, stop it already.

Maybe it was the deep pain of rejection that suddenly made me hungry for a guy’s attention. Maybe it was the feeling of having lost someone that made me want to fill the whole Jimin had left. 

Kyungmin stared at me, still waiting for an answer that I couldn't give him.

He then leaned in. His cheeks were red from all the alcohol we had tonight. 

I looked at his beautiful face, his doll like skin, his sharp jawline. His dizzy eyes gazed back into mine, longing for me.

His hand reached out to cup my face, carefully, as if I was made out of glass. It was gentle touch that was so unexpected it made me flinch.

Kyungmin bit his lower lip as his eyes dropped down to my mouth.

Our faces were now only inches apart and I felt his breath that was drenched in the scent of soju.

...

(don‘t worry Jimin will be back in the next chapters ;))

i-Love - My Online Crush - Chapter 8

 Jimin and I had placed ourselves in a pile of blankets on the floor in front of a small table, watching the Tazza movies while munching on the delicious food. I almost forgot where I was, it felt like the time had stopped for us. 

„It's gotten quite late.", Jimin mentioned.

It was indeed already 2 a.m in the morning and we weren't finished with all the movies yet.

„Oh.", I just said. Reality slowly pulled me back from my dream cloud. I reflexively got up from my seat next to Jimin.

„You don't have to leave.", he said and also got up.

„I have work tomorrow.", I said. There was this other thing that differentiated us - I had to wake up every morning and go to work. Work for my money and to pay my rent. Whereas he already had everything. 

Jimin nervously bit his lower lip: „Should I take you home then?"

There was not train going anymore. After all it was after midnight. And I didn't want to pay a taxi. But what options did I have?

„I mean you can always stay here.", he suggested with an awkward grin on his face. We both knew that we were going a little too fast with whatever this was. How could I already spend the night at his place? But then again, was any of this even real?

„I have an extra guest room where you can sleep.", he added quickly. But of course I had already imagined sleeping next to him in his comfy bed, maybe having his strong arms around me, feeling his steady breath in my neck as he would be sleeping behind me.......enough of that now.

„I guess I could do that.", I said, pushing all those thoughts far away.

Jimin first took me to his gigantic walk-in closet. As if I wasn't flashed enough already, his collection of shoes, hats and jackets overwhelmed me quite a bit.

„You can take whatever you want to sleep in.", he said and then showed me some drawers full of sweat pants and shirts he apparently usually wore to sleep.

I was wondering for how much those sold on ebay.

I changed into Jimin's clothes. Should I repeat that? I CHANGED INTO JIMIN'S CLOTHES. No additional words needed, am I right?!

I found myself in his guest room still wondering what the heck I was even doing here. I had forgotten who he was while we were watching the movies. He made it easy to forget to be honest. He had this way to make me laugh and we had a fantastic time together. We swam on the same wave length.

Jimin knocked on the door before sticking his head inside.

„Are you alright?", he asked me and then entered. He had also changed into something comfortable - still looking like a god though.

I nodded. My heart started to beat as fast as a racing car. 

„I just wanted to make sure that I'm not pressuring you into anything.", he said. 

„No, no. I'm fine, really.", I was more than fine to be exact. 

„I will be just a few doors away if you need anything. And I can take you to work in the morning."

„Oh, you don't have to wake up for me.", I shook my head. 

„But I want to.", he said with THAT smile on his face. I could tell you over and over and over and over again how amazing that smile was. But I suppose you got it by now.

I took a deep breath, an attempt to calm myself down - useless, of course.

„That's really sweet of you.", I said.

„You should go to sleep now.", his eyes sparkled at me.

With a heavy heart, I went to bed. I knew Jimin was so close by. And my heart knew that all too well. I wasn't sure how I was supposed to find any sleep tonight. 

But as amazing as I felt, I knew this feeling wouldn't last long anymore. Every high is followed by a low. That's just nature, I guess. I mean even our economy works like that. We have the expansion - I already went through that - then the peak, if this wasn't the peak right now, then I don't know...and then, the recession and depression follow. Oh hell, I didn't want to go through that. But there wasn't a way to break this cycle. At least I didn‘t know of any.

-

„Jimin, we need to talk.", Sejin said as soon as Jimin entered the group's apartment.

Jimin's bright smile froze immediately. „What's going on?", he asked. He didn't think it would have any consequences when he left the meeting with their manager.

Taehyung and Jungkook were sad figures sitting on the couch, holding their heads down.

Jimin looked at Jungkook who looked at him with apologetic eyes. 

All the good feelings Jimin has had for the last night were suddenly vanished as reality hit him with all its power.

„Is this about last night?", Jimin asked. 

Sejin sighed and got up from his seat and went over to Jimin. He put his arm around him and guided him to the couch. He placed Jimin next to the other two members.

„It is, I guess.", Sejin said.

„I know, I shouldn't have run off like that. But I had something really really important going on."

„I already know what so important was.", Sejin said. Jimin couldn't read his eyes. Sejin took his phone out of his pocket and balanced it in front of Jimin's face. „Care to explain to me, who that is?"

Jimin swallowed hard. There was a picture of Jimin and me in front of his apartment complex.

„It's all over the internet.", Sejin said with a voice that sounded somewhat mad and somewhat disappointed.

„I'm sorry.", was all that came into Jimin's mind.

Sejin shook his head and ruffled through his hair. „So who is she?"

Jimin looked at Jungkook and Taehyung for help. But he was on his own this time. They couldn't help him.

„She is...", Jimin started. He wasn't sure what was the best thing to say. He's never been in a situation like that.

„I'm listening.", Sejin said.

Jimin was still out of words.

„Look, I'm not totally mad, if that's what makes you so quiet. But I need to know what's going on in order to fix this. Do you know how many calls we are getting, asking for a dating confirmation. Army are going crazy right now. I don't think you will be able to set a foot outside, if we don't resolve this quickly."

And so Jimin had to tell Sejin where he met me. He left out a few embarrassing details but basically summed up what had happened over the last two weeks or so.

„So she is a nobody?", Sejin wanted to confirm.

„She most certainly isn't a nobody to me.", Jimin said sadly.

„And you knew about this? And even encouraged him?", Sejin asked Taehyung and Jungkook.

The two grinned awkwardly. „Well we aren't forbidden to date, right?!", Taehyung said. 

„That's true. We are on a break after all. We aren't promoting. You can't expect us to never date anyone.", Jungkook added.

„I know, I know. It would be naive to think that boys in their 20s stay away from girls. I would've just wished that you came to me before so we can take precautionary measurements."

„Such as?", Jungkook wanted to know raising his eyebrows.

„Making sure you won‘t be seen, having her agree to a non-disclosure agtreement.", Sejin said. 

Jungkook shook his head.

„What are we going to do now?", Taehyung asked.

„I should call her and tell her about that photo.", Jimin said.

„Luckily she can't be recognized, so we could still come up with some story about a stylist or something.", Sejin said.

„So you won't confirm Jimin's dating?", Jungkook wanted to know.

„Are you dating Jimin? Are you dating her?“, Sejin asked.

„Does it even matter what I say? It seems like you have it all figured out anyways.“, Jimin said with a hint of madness in his voice.

„I want you to lay low for a while. Don't meet her outside. No, don't meet her at all. And don't go back to your apartment, if that isn't a given already. We don't know how many paparazzi or fans will wait around to see if you come back."

„How come there wasn't anybody this morning?", Taehyung asked confused.

„Oh, they are probably still there then. We left through the garage and I took the new car.", Jimin explained. „I saw some people out front but that's nothing new. I didn‘t think it was related to me."

„I will call the complex manager. I want to know how someone was able to take this photo right in front of the building.", Sejin said, biting on his nails. „If there is a security lack, we have to know about it."

Jungkook nodded: „It does seem really strange. Maybe it was someone who lived there."

„I hope not.", Taehyung laughed stunned.

„Anyways, I will check that. And you...", he pointed his finger at Jimin, „...you will do as I said, understood?"

„Sure.", Jimin said with a sigh.

He felt powerless in this very moment. There wasn't anything that he could do. He was just hoping that I wouldn't be effected through any of that.

-

I wanted to tell Chanmi about last night. But I decided that it was probably best to keep it to myself. Jimin and I never discussed any details. He never said something like I have to keep everything a secret. I didn't want to cause im any trouble though. 

„How is Kyungmin doing?", Chanmi asked when I was at work. I was tired as hell and even coffee couldn't fix that anymore. Staying up late did leave its marks.

„I guess he's fine.", I said. I squinted at her, wondering what she was out and about.

„That's good.", she simply said.

After a short pause I said: „I'm sorry by the way."

„Sorry for what?", Chanmi asked.

„Sorry that it didn't work out with him. He told me that you weren't gonna see each other again."

„Oh don't be sorry. I'm fine. I don't want to be anyones second choice.", Chanmi smiled. And she actually seemed fine about it.

I sighed: „I thought you two would make a really great couple."

Chanmi blinked at me. „You think so?"

I nodded. „But what do you mean second choice?", I asked after stumbling across this sentence in my head.

„He already likes someone.", Chamni said with no emotion, while staring at her computer.

„He what?". I gasped. „How come he told you that, but didn't tell me anything about it?"

Chanmi shrugged her shoulders, although she knew exactly why.

„Do you know who he likes?", I wanted to know. Kyungmin had never mentioned anyone. He never mentioned a girl for as long as I knew him.

„Maybe.", Chanmi said.

But Chanmi wouldn't tell me anything else. I was left in the dark. I was thinking about asking Kyungmin myself. But somehow I thought he would've told me if he wanted me to know. I tried not to think about it too much. It was weird that there were things between us that he didn't tell me. I thought we always told each other everything. 

„But enough about me. How are things with Hansol?", she wiggled her eyebrows.

There was the question that I so didn't want to hear. I hated lying. 

„Uhm, we kind of ended it.", I said - which wasn't a lie.

„What? Why?", Chanmi asked with a shocked look on her pretty face.

„He was just so different in real life compared to when we talked on the phone.", I said - which also wasn't a lie.

„Hm, that's so sad.", she replied. I didn't want her to feel bad for me.

„Oh, I'm fine. Really.", I said while nodding, trying to be convincing.

The day of Kyungmin's and Chanmi's date

„Are you sure Soo Young will be fine?", Kyungmin asked.

„Don't be so worried about her.", Chanmi said while blinking at Kyungmin. „They need their alone time."

„I'm not so sure about that.", Kyungmin hestitantly said and turned around to find me.

But Chanmi pulled him along, further away from me and Hansol.

„Do you want to go eat something?", Chanmi asked.

Kyungmin nervously ran his fingers through his hair.

„You don't seem too comfortable.", Chanmi then noticed.

„I really don't want to lead you on.", Kyungmin said.

Chanmi nodded.

„I agreed to this blind date for Soo Young. But I'm not really up for more, if you know what I mean."

„Oh.", Chanmi said with some disappointment in her voice. „I get it though.", she added.

„Really?", Kyungmin asked.

„You like Soo Young.", she stated.

„Huh?", Kyungmin gasped. 

Chanmi giggled. „You are way too obvious. I can't believe Soo Young didn't catch on until now. The way you look at her. I saw you staring at her during the entire movie and it didn't look like you liked that she was with someone else."

Kyungmin was out of words. He sighed.

„Did you ever tell her about your feelings?", Chanmi asked.

„No. Of course not.", Kyungmin said.

„Why not?"

„I don't want to ruin our friendship.", he replied.

„Really? That lame friendship excuse...Then what are you gonna do? Just watch her date other guys for the rest of your life?"

„What else can I do?", he shrugged his shoulders.

„Tell her!"

„She's not into me.", Kyungmin said and looked to the ground.

„Are you crazy? Of course she is into you. Have you looked at yourself?"

„Soo Young doesn't care about looks.", he chuckled. He could have had any girl he liked because of his looks. But it didn't seem to help him with me.

„Everybody cares about looks.", Chanmi shook her head. „Wasn't she jealous when I went out with you?"

„It didn't really seem like it, did it?!"

„No...", Chanmi said softly. „I think you should try to get a girlfriend and make her jealous."

„But she wasn't even jealous when I met you, why would she be jealous if I had a girlfriend?"

„Boys.", Chanmi said and frowned. „Get a girl she strongly disapproves of. Not someone like me. I'm cute, pretty, everybody likes me."

„Not to mention conceited.", Kyungmin added.

„Nothing wrong with that.", Chanmi said. „Anyways, get a bad girl to provoke her protective side."

„Hm.", Kyungmin said while thinking about what Chanmi had said. Maybe it was worth a shot. „So no hard feelings?", he wanted to make sure.

„No hard feelings.", Chanmi smiled at him.

-

„Jimin, we have to leave.", Sejin said while staring at his wrist watch.

„I'm coming, I'm coming.", Jimin said. He threw some last things into his suitcase and ran outside his room.

The boys were going to be in a variety show called ‚Baek on wheels‘, where a celebrity cook had idols as his assistants. The show‘s request came on short notice that was the reason why Sejin had called for an emergency meeting the night before. 

Taehyung, Jungkook and Jimin sat in the black van that would take them all the way to Busan to shoot the show. 

While packing his things in a hurry and leaving, he forgot about me. He forgot there was someone thinking of him the entire time working. But that was okay. He had other priorities.

They were halfway to Busan when Jimin realized he had never told me that he would leave. In fact he didn‘t even know until a few hours ago.

„Can I call Soo Young?“, Jimin asked Sejin.

Sejin glared at him through the car‘s mirror.

Jimin knew that was a no. He sighed and threw himself into the car seat.

„I‘m sorry Jimin. But we can‘t risk her being with some reporter right now.“, Sejin said.

„What the hell?“, Jimin raged.

„Hey, calm down.“, Taehyung said.

„She isn‘t like that. If you would‘ve listened to what I said, you‘d know.“, Jimin said.

„I know you want to believe her, but we don‘t know for sure.“

„That‘s ridiculous. If I don‘t call her or text her, she will think I totally played her.“

„I think she will understand that you are busy.“, Sejin stated.

„I told her I am free because we are on a break. She will just think I‘m not interested.“

„Maybe it won‘t be too bad.“, Jungkook said.

Jimin looked at him in disbelief. How could Jungkook say such a thing?!

But Jungkook gave him a look saying ‚just shut up now, Sejin will never let you call her, we handle that later‘. And with that Jimin got quiet. He knew Jungkook was probably right.

-

I was staring at my phone while working. But there was no message. NONE. 

I never slept at a guys place before. I didn‘t know the rules. Was I supposed to text him? Maybe it was stupid to be upset about something to trivial like who texted who. But I think every girl can relate right now.

It seemed as if I had been correct. I felt confirmed that there wouldn‘t be a next time. He had asked me to give him a chance but he was already ignoring me.

Okay, maybe I was exaggerating. It has only been a few hours since he had dropped me off at work. Maybe he went back to bed. I wouldn‘t blame him if he did. I was tired as hell and so must he.

I decided to not think about it for the rest of the day. I put my phone inside a drawer and kept it there until my shift was over. 

I really tried to not be disappointed but it was really hard. Even though I had prepared myself for this moment, there had been a tiny spark of hope that he actually liked me too. 

I went home, walking like some zombie. I haven‘t felt this miserable in a really really long time. Living in the real world sucked.

„There you are.“, Kyungmin said. He leaned against the door to our apartment building.

I looked up but didn‘t say a word. I had even forgotten that Chanmi had told me Kyungmin liked someone. Everything seemed irrelevant in this very moment.

I passed by Kyungmin and wanted to go to the elevator.

Kyungmin followed me in an instant.

„Where were you last night.“

„Asleep.“, I said. I wasn‘t in the mood for Kyungmin interrogation.

„Where?“, Kyungmin asked. What a weird question to ask. He knew something...

„In a bed.“, I said. 

„Not in your bed.“, he said.

I closed my eyes. I was tired and my head hurt. Could he please just stop talking?!

„So where were you?“, Kyungmin pushed.

„I was at his place, alright?!“, I spat. Why did I have to tell him?

„Are you crazy? You went to some strangers place?“, Kyungmin asked in shock. He knew ‚his place‘ referred to Jimin‘s place. Just he didn‘t know who Jimin was. And I weren‘t gonna tell him any time soon.

„I can go wherever I want.“, I said. This conversation was nonsense. I didn‘t know why Kyungmin got so upset over this. Because I didn‘t know that the girl Kyungmin liked was me.

„This isn‘t like you.“, Kyungmin argued.

I hated arguments in elevators. Not that I ever had one before...

„It doesn‘t matter anyway. He already ignores me.“, I yelled at him. All of my anger and disappointment came out at once. And it hit Kyungmin. I wasn‘t exactly mad at him. I was mad at Jimin for not texting all day. Though Kyungmin and his stupid questions didn‘t make it any better.

„That prick.“, Kyungmin said. „So he just slept with you and now he ignores you?“

„What?“, I gasped. „No!“, I added. „I didn‘t sleep with him.“

„You didn‘t?“, Kyungmin seemed relieved. 

„But that‘s not the point?!“, I said. He was crazy. Really a crazy person. I didn‘t care if I had slept with him or not or whatever. Maybe it would‘ve been better to sleep with him after all. At least then I had a good story to tell. Losing my first time to an idol...didn‘t sound so bad. At least then I would know how it felt to be close to him, so have his lips on mine....I was doing it again....day dreaming a beautiful scene with Jimin - WHO HASN‘T TEXTED ALL DAY!!!

„Then what is?“, Kyungmin asked in confusion.

„Just leave me alone.“, I said. I didn‘t want to talk to him anymore. I wanted to be alone with my misery. I wanted my bed, coffee and my laptop full of dramas to watch to distract me and to pity myself.

„Soo Young.“, Kyungmin said disappointed. We had reached my apartment by then. 

„Please. Just leave me alone for now.“, I said.