I caught myself listening to Level Five’s new album on repeat. It was the only way to hear Taejung’s voice. He still hadn’t messaged me. Of course I could have made the first step and called him, but I didn’t want to get on his nerves. Maybe he was really busy and didn’t find any time to call me or text me.
The chorus of Coffee Kiss got interrupted by my ring tone. My entire body jerked and my phone almost dropped out of my hands.
Disappointment when it wasn’t Taejung’s name that appeared on the screen, but some unknown number.
„Hello?“, I answered the call without hesitation.
„Hello? Clover?“, a male voice said my name.
„Yes?“
„Ah great! This is Yoo Han.“, he said.
It was the producer a bell rang inside my head. And finally I recognized his voice.
„Oh, hi, Mr. Yoo.“, I said in surprise. I sat on my bed covered by my warm blanket.
Mr. Yoo laughed on the other end of the line. „I’m glad I could reach you. I have good news for you. At least I hope they’re good news.“, he giggled. „You really impressed Sihyun and he wants to work with you. So how about meeting you tomorrow to see you for some test scenes.“
„Test scenes?“, I asked. I was a little worried I might screw up.
„It’s no big deal. We just want to see you in front of the camera and together with Sihyun. There’s really not much you can do wrong.“
„Oh, okay.“, I answered. I couldn’t imagine they would pick me without a casting. What if I was a horrible actor?
„So I see you tomorrow? I already sent Mr. Kwon all the details.“, Mr. Yoo said.
I was too overwhelmed to realize what he just told me. If this would work out, I would get a part in a drama next to a really famous actor. I was pretty much one of the luckiest people on earth.
I automatically opened my chat window with Taejung. I wanted to share the good news with him, but I couldn’t.
The excitement that had taken me was gone already. I sank back into my pillows, sighing. I starred onto the last thing Taejung had texted me - a small emoji face with a bright smile. I didn’t feel like smiling. All of the sudden, I got really mad. He could’ve said something. Even if it was only to tell me, that he wasn’t feeling the same. I thought that I deserved to know. But maybe this was his way of telling me, I should not keep my hopes up. I’ve never been a negative person. I always hoped for the best and it always proved to be the right way. But right now I wished I could just forget him. I wanted this weird confusion out of my life. I liked him way too much to not be devastated if he would turn me down. And I started to doubt whether it was a good or bad idea to have told him my feelings.
Again I sighed. A hopeless situation like all the situations including Taejung. Maybe we weren’t meant to be. We were only struggling since the beginning. We couldn’t be together. I knew it all along. But I simply didn’t want to face the reality. He was someone, who didn’t fit into my new life. I needed to betray people and I needed to lie - two things I didn’t want to involve Taejung in. I had decided to cold-shoulder him. What had happened to that plan… my feelings totally ruined everything. But the worst part was, that Taejung was probably hurting much more than I was, when he would find out the truth about me. I had gone too far to step out of it. I opened up and let him in and at the same time I wanted him to open up too. Although I really needed him to like be back, a small part inside of my body wished he would never call me again. That part wished he didn’t like me and that he wouldn’t be effected by any of my lies.
I had a rough time sleeping that night. It was just one of those nights were you would lay awake, stare at the ceiling, the head full of thoughts but none of them was tangible.
I was lacking sleep, but sat already in the car on my way to the KBS studios to meet up with the crew of ‚At the end of the rainbow‘. I wasn’t exactly nervous, but that was probably only due to my head which was trying to shut down and find some rest.
The KBS studios were huge. I’ve seen them before from afar, when we were driving somewhere. But it was much more impressive, standing right on front of it. It reminded me of the rollercoasters in Everland, which reminded me of Taejung.
„What’s wrong?“, Mr. Kwon asked because he had noticed my sad face.
„Nothing.“, I quickly said.
Mr. Kwon didn’t ask any further questions. Instead he roughly put his hand onto my shoulder and pushed me into the building.
I’ve never been to an actual set. I’ve only seen sets for music videos or commercials. But that was nothing in comparison to what was right in front of me. There were actual rooms, parts of houses and streets build up inside the studios. I felt like a character inside of a computer game.
„Hey, Clover.“, a voice said and Sihyun appeared at my side.
„Hey.“, I said and found my smile again.
„Let me show you around a little before we start.“, he said. „Oh, and let me take that.“, he added and reached for my bag. He also took my jacket and carried them on our way to the dressing room.
„This will be your dressing room.“, he glared at me. Sihyun wore a white shirt, which was almost as white as his skin. His black hair was a bit messy and he constantly ran his hands through it to get some of the streaks out of his forehead and eyes.
„You mean if I get the part.“, I said to devalue his statement.
Sihyun squinted his eyes in amusement. „You don’t seem too sure that you will get the part, I hear.“
I shrugged my shoulders.
Sihyun silently looked at me for a while. „Anyway, let me show you your future room.“, he said and put the hugest smile onto his lips.
After we left my stuff inside the dressing room, Sihyun and I wandered around the set. He explained some of the sceneries and we finished off our tour in Nari’s room. The walls were painted white, except for one of them, which was covered with a paper with turquoise and silver stripes. Everything was so well put together. The pillows on the bed matched the color of the wallpaper perfectly. And also I found some small details inside the shelves of Nari’s desk.
„Do you like it?“, Sihyun asked. He stood inside the fake doorframe and watched me as I observed every corner of the room.
„It’s beautiful.“, I said and couldn’t hide the astonishment inside my voice.
„Ah, Clover!“, Mr. Yoo appeared behind Sihyun. „I see Sihyun already showed you our set. What do you say? Can you imagine working with us?“
„Of course!“, I replied. He must have been kidding. As if this wasn’t the opportunity of my life.
„Shall we go over the script?“, Mr. Yoo asked.
Together we went over to a free area. A lot of people were running around, carrying cables or other heavy objects.
Together we went over to a free area. A lot of people were running around, carrying cables or other heavy objects.
„I took a small scene out of the script that I would want you guys to play. And don’t worry, Clover, Sihyun hasn’t seen the scene either, so he doesn’t have any advantage.“, he said smiling.
Mr. Yoo handed us both a script and told us to read through it together before we would have to present it in front of the crew.
Since my tiredness was wearing off, I started to feel nervous. I actually really wanted this role. I never exactly thought of being an actress. Mostly because I never considered myself a good actor. I had no fact for thinking so, but acting seemed like something so big for me. And I wanted to keep my goals within reachable distance.
„The scene is actually set in front of your house. We don’t have a background for that here. We will film it in front of an actual house and also some of the rooms will be part of Nari’s house then.
After one hour of practicing our scene, Sihyun and I were taking our positions in front of the team. I took some deep breaths and sank into the role of Nari.
„You can use your script if you want to.“, Mr. Yoo said.
„We don’t need it.“, Sihyun grinned.
„Okay then. Let’s start. Ready when you are.“
I noticed how Sihyun’s expression changed as he became Kyuyoung.
„Where have you been? I was waiting for you.“, he started our scene.
I only looked at him, my face with no expression.
„Where you with him?“, he wanted to know, letting some bitterness into his voice.
„Why do you even care?“, I asked back.
A little bit of a shock sneaked onto his face, playing around the corners of his mouth. „Do you really need to ask this? Are my intentions that unsure to you?“, his voice started to get shaky.
„You stood me up a million times, so why make such a big deal out of it, if for once I don’t show up.“, I threw into his face.
„Because you were with him.“, he said and balled his fists.
„How would you know?“, I countered.
„I can see it in your eyes. I can still see that small sparkle that he left behind. Do you think I don’t notice the way you look at him.“, Sihyun now said with a much softer voice.
My character was speechless.
„It hurts so much every time I see you two. I feel like I’m loosing you more each day. You’re slipping away right before my eyes and I can’t even do anything about it.“, he continued.
„Then why aren’t you letting me go already?“, I wanted to know. Pain crawled into my voice and I felt like choking. Nari herself wasn’t sure if she should say what she just said. It was such a cruel thing to say to her fiancé.
Sihyun’s eyes started to fill up with tears. „Why are you doing this to me? Why are you throwing it all away? I know we had a rough time lately, but don’t you remember the good times?“
„There are no good times.“, I replied and looked on the ground. Tears started to push against my eyes and I wasn’t able to look at Sihyun anymore.
My words made Sihyun burst out sobbing. „Don’t say that.“, he cried.
I shook my head. „You should go.“, I said.
„Please, Nari. Please. Don’t throw our future away.“, he begged, which gave me the rest and the tears started to run down my cheeks like small waterfalls.
I finally looked into Sihyun’s face again. „Why don’t you see that you already threw it away before I was even able to.“, I said, trying to pull myself together.
„I would never.“, he said and shook is head. He stepped forward, grabbed me by the shoulders and forced me to look him into the eyes. „You are the most precious thing in my life. I won’t let you go so easily.“, he stated. „Just let me fight for you. Give me a chance to prove you I mean every word I say.“, he finished. His hands wandered to my neck, carefully his thumbs stroke over my cheeks. It was a soft and caring touch and shivers ran down my back.
„Just don’t give up on me yet.“, he whispered.
Applause brought me back into reality.
„This was amazing.“, Mr. Yoo said and came over to us. Sihyun let go of me and I shook of my role.
„How was it for you?“, he asked looking at me. I had to admit I had totally forgotten I was playing a scene in front of all those people. I felt like I was in a different world, where none of those workers were existent.
„It was intense.“, I answered laughing and dried my face.
„It was!“, Mr. Yoo agreed. „I totally felt the chemistry between you two. I got goosebumps, no kidding.“
I was inside the dressing room to get my jacket and bag when my feelings overwhelmed me. Somehow my scene with Sihyun brought back what I was trying to forget regarding Taejung. I felt like I was the one thrown away by him. I tried to convince myself that this might not even be the case, since he hasn’t said anything yet. But the more days passed by, the more sure I got that his silence meant he didn’t like me and just didn’t know how to tell me.
Sihyun appeared behind me. I quickly wiped away my tears, but he had already seen them.
„What is wrong?“, he asked and seemed honestly worried.
„It’s nothing. Really.“, I said and tried to smile.
Sihyun sat next to me and leaned forward. „Shouldn’t you be happy, that you got the part?“, he asked.
„I am.“
„Then what made you cry just now?“, Sihyun asked. His voice was settle, giving me the feeling I could trust him.
„The scene just reminded me of something.“, I finally said.
Sihyun didn’t answer right away, but looked at me with a searching face.
„You have a boyfriend, right?, he then said.
„Huh?“, I asked in surprise.
„Is everything okay between you guys? Are you in a fight or something?“, Sihyun wanted to know. I knew he was only trying to help but I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want to lie another time.
„No, nothing like that.“, I answered.
Sihyun nodded but he didn’t seem satisfied with my short answer. „He’s in Level Five, right?!“
I nodded.
Sihyun sighed and leaned back in his chair. „And he’s in Japan now for their tour.“, he said and it didn’t sound like a question. „It must be hard for you not being able to see him. But you’re probably texting like crazy and talk over the phone.“
I shook my head and looked onto the ground. I felt really stupid discussing my fake relationship with someone I barely knew.
„What?“, Sihyun asked in disbelief.
„It’s complicated.“, I stated.
„It’s never complicated unless you let it.“, he said with a serious undertone.
I looked up and searched for Sihyun’s glance.
„If I were you, I would just text him. Even if he doesn’t find the time answering you all the time, don’t you think he would be happy to see that you think of him?!“
I thought about Sihyun’s words while I was in the car on my way to Elbi Entertainment. Mr. Kwon had to leave early because of some meeting and I was supposed to meet up with him after that.
I came to the conclusion that Sihyun’s advice would probably work if Taejung and I were in fact a real couple. But since we weren’t, I wasn’t too sure if Taejung would really be happy to be spammed with messages by me.
I walked up the stairs of the lobby to get to Mr. Kwon’s office when I already heard his voice sounding. He was yelling and seemed really angry.
I ran up the stairs and sneaked closer to his office door.
„Why didn’t you do, what I told you to.“, he yelled.
But I heard no one answering so I assumed he was talking on the phone.
„Good for you that I already got the pictures.“, he said. „I don’t care what the system does and what not. Those pictures are not allowed to leak. It would be a total mess. How should I use them if they find out they’re from you.“
I had no idea what he was talking about, but it didn’t sound too good. I decided to go into the lounge which was located next to Mr. Kwon’s office to get a better ear and not be caught in case he would open the door and storm into the hallway.
„I know, but it’s not my problem. Fix it yourself and keep me out of it.“, Mr. Kwon said. „Yes, I already have the pictures on my computer. It’s too risky to have them duplicated, you know that.“, he said and seemed to calm down. „That Taejung won’t survive this.“
I really wanted to know what those pictures were he was talking about. I waited a little more, until I heard Mr. Kwon leave his office. I listened to his footsteps echoing through Elbi. When I was assure he was far enough, I rushed out of the lounge, opened Mr. Kwon’s office and went straight to his computer.
I startled when I saw what was on the pictures he was apparently talking about. They were pictures of me with bruises. My entire face was covered with blue and red marks that looked like I’ve been in a serious accident.
‚That Taejung won’t survive this‘ it sounded inside my head and all of the sudden I knew what Mr. Kwon was planning on doing. My heart stopped beating and I felt like I was about to pass out.
I snapped out of my delusion fast enough. I had to be quick if I wanted to be out of Mr. Kwon’s office before he came back.
I closed the pictures and dragged the folder into the trash bin. Then I also deleted the bin. I opened Mr. Kwon’s email account, which he was already logged into. The first mail seemed suspicious enough for me to open it and indeed it was the mail with the files. I deleted everything in every folder to make sure Mr. Kwon would not be able to restore any of the files. Though I wasn’t sure if whoever had created those pictures, would simply be able to do it again.
I chased to the door and when I reached the hallway Mr. Kwon stood right in front of me. My eyes widened and I started panicking. I began to run towards the stairs as fast as I could. Maybe I should’ve just acted like nothing had happened, since my reaction caused Mr. Kwon to check on his computer. When he saw what I did he stuck to me heels.
Mr. Kwon was way too fast for me and grabbed my sweater on the isle of the stairs.
„What have you done?!“, he yelled.
My entire body tensed. His grip was really strong and he almost lifted me off of the ground.
„Do you know what you just did?!“, he screamed. He didn’t wear his shades, which made me see his black frightening eyes.
I always thought he was more normal without his shades. He seemed to be crazy whenever he wore his blue sunglasses but serious when he took them off. But maybe he was just crazy after all.
I gathered all my courage. „I know what you want to do to Taejung and I won’t let that happen.“, I spitted out.
Mr. Kwon bared his teeth. He pushed me backwards to the edge of the staircase. Just one more step and I would fall down the marble stairs. He wouldn’t need photoshopped bruises after that.
„You are a pain in the neck.“, he murmured. „You really fell for him, you stupid girl.“, he continued. I stood still and hoped for someone to interrupt him and help me. I was really afraid Mr. Kwon would push me down the stairs. I haven’t forgotten that he was the one giving me that weird drink at the album release. I knew what he was capable of.
„You are just a stupid kid and you have to follow my instructions. There’s nothing complicated about that. But you manage to screw up over and over again.“, he yelled and drops of his spit covered my cheeks.
„I’m not screwing up.“ I defended myself. „You’re instructions suck.“
„What did you just say?!“. Maybe I shouldn’t have said the last bit, because now Mr. Kwon seemed to be really furious now.
„I’m a manager for almost half of my life and you dare to judge me? Who is the one who made you famous? Did my instructions suck then too?“, he yelled and shook me.
I was trying to reach for his arms to get a hold of something. If he would let go of me right now, I would fall backwards.
„Joosuk!“, a voice reached my head. „What are you doing?“, someone asked.
I saw a man running down the first half of the stairs until he reached us. He held his hands up in the air, as if he was about to tame a wild horse.
„Don’t get into this.“, Mr. Kwon said.
„Joosuk, what are you trying to do?“, the man said. I didn’t know who he was. His face seemed familiar so he was probably some sort of employee here at Elbi.
„I’m teaching this brat a lesson.“, he hissed.
„Let go of Clover, Joosuk. You don’t want to harm her.“, the man tried to calm him down.
I noticed how he was slowly drawing closer, reaching his hand in my direction. I tried to move as little as possible, so Mr. Kwon wouldn’t register what I was doing.
„I’m not too sure about that.“, Mr. Kwon said.
The next moment the man grabbed me and pulled me away from Mr. Kwon, who then squinted his eyes and starred at me as if he tried to kill me with his gaze.
„Calm down, Joosuk.“, the man said with a soft voice.
„How can I be calm if she’s ruining everything.“, he yelled again.
I pressed my body to the handrail to bring as many space between me and Mr. Kwon as possible.
„You are ruining yourself.“, I countered.
„Not helping.“, the man hissed over his shoulder.
Mr. Kwon stormed forward, his hands like claws trying to grab me. But the man pushed him back, protecting me.
„Joosuk you’re behaving like a stubborn child. It’s embarrassing.“, the man said.
Mr. Kwon kicked against the rail and finally sank onto the floor grappling his hair.
„I will get that kid. Someday.“, he sputtered.
Seeing Mr. Kwon like that scared me a lot. He seemed like he actually belonged into a mental hospital. He was totally crazy.
„Who is he talking about?“, the man asked me.
„Taejung.“, I said without hesitation. The more people knew Mr. Kwon was after him, the safer he was.
„Level Five’s Taejung, really?“, he didn’t seem too surprised though.
„Why does he hold such a grudge against him?“, I carefully asked.
The man sighed. Mr. Kwon still sat on the isle of the stairs. He looked tired all of the sudden and his rage seemed to have faded.
„Mr. Kwon wanted Level Five under his management. But other managers made them offers too. It seemed like they would sign under Mr. Kwon, but apparently Taejung sympathized with Mr. Park and convinced the rest of the members to sign with him instead. It was a severe blow for him back then, since he wanted to start over his career with the band.“, the man explained.
I could understand why Mr. Kwon would be mad at Taejung. But that was no reason for trying to ruin someone’s life.
I let Mr. Kwon and the man alone. I needed to get some fresh air and I needed to get far far away from Mr. Kwon. I knew this wouldn’t be over just yet.
I ran outside the building pass the paparazzi and took off on my own. I had no nerve to be stuck inside the car and I didn’t want to go back to my dorm either.
I had to get a clear mind. And I somehow had to get out of that contract with Mr. Kwon. I just had no clue how that worked.
The dial tone roared into my ears. I had found some rest in a nearby park. It was already dark outside so it was somewhat safe for me to run around. I sat against a tree, the cold grass beneath me.
„Hello?“, Taejung finally answered the phone.
„Hi, I need to talk to you.“, I said straight forward.
„Is everything alright?!“, Taejung asked. His voice made my heart break.
Tears pushed against my eyes. „We need to break up.“, I said and tried to retain a strong voice.
„What are you talking about?“, he wanted to know.
„I cannot explain right now, but we can’t stick with this fake relationship.“, I said.
„Is it because…“, he said but I interrupted him: „Taejung, please“, I said. „You have to trust me, we need to end this. I just have no idea how you do something like that.“, I started crying.
„Clover, what happened?“, he asked.
I saw his image right in front of me and it made it so awfully hard to push him away. But I had to, or else he would get hurt.
„Everything’s going to be fine. You just need to break up with me.“, I pressed over my lips. „Can you do this for me?“
„If you want me to.“, Taejung said. I heard disappointment inside his voice. But I hoped I was only imagining it.
I hung up and closed my eyes to fight against the tears. I didn’t want to cry again. This day had been full of crying and disappointments. I couldn’t even be happy about my part in Yoo Han’s drama anymore, because everything else was weighing down on me. I rested my head against the stem of the tree and tried to forget what my life was like. I felt horrible and alone. Exhausted and sad. But mostly desperate.
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